Maybe it's just the closeted pyromaniac in me but I really, really love fireworks!

The pops, the bangs, the rain of colorful fire -- it's like a good day in Fallujah.

However, as much as I love fireworks, I hate crowds. HATE 'em!

You will never find me on New Years Eve in Times Square, at Friday Cheers, Shamrock the Block or in any of the bars on Robinson Street after 11 p.m. It's not that I am scared of large crowds. I just hate annoying people. Unfortunately for me, the most annoying people walking the earth seem to love going to the coolest events and places and all of these urchins usually show up there at the same time.

That puts me at a social conundrum -- I love fireworks, I love The Diamond and I think The Diamond's July 4 fireworks show is the best one in the city. However, I hate traffic, $6 beers and crowds of annoying people, and the entire ballpark will be plagued with all three on July 4.

So what can an antisocial pyromaniac do?!? He can go guerilla, that's what.

Since before college, I have scoured this city for great places to watch the fireworks at The Diamond without going anywhere near the masses at The Diamond. Over time, it seems that I have tried them all though I always seem to find new ones every year. Nevertheless, I have made a list of my super secret firework watching posts.

For some reason, I have decided to share them with you. I have separated my list into three categories: The Worst Places (avoid at all costs), The No Longer Secret Spots (the secret got out) and The Super Secret Spots (where all the cool kids will hang out).

The Worst Places

The Diamond

I think this is self evident. But some people just have to be close to the action. I guess that's cool -- you just won't see me anywhere near these people. I love going to The Diamond for a game, especially on $6 domestic beer night, but not on the fourth, especially when I can watch The Works and have 50-cent beer night out of the trunk of my car.

Bill's Barbecue at 3100 N. Boulevard

I will seriously murder the next person that says, "Hey man, let's go to the barbeque place near the Diamond to watch the fireworks." Yeah. That's it. Let's get away from the traffic and crowds by going to the restaurant right across the street from the ballpark where all the crowds and traffic is. This was never a secret spot. Smack yourself in the face if you think it is.

The No Longer Secret Spots

The Terminal Place Parking Lot

This used to be "THE" secret place. It was hidden (it's right behind the Science Museum of Virginia) and very Richmond because it's at the old tracks of the historic former train station. Then people in the West End found out about it. Then Southsiders found out about it. Then Northsiders found out about. And they all brought their awful kids. Then the trill was gone. Though it is a very cool, very clear spot to watch the works, I would rather bathe with crack-smoking piranhas than hang out with the ham-and-eggers that pack out this lot with their crappy kids and dumb station wagons.

Kitchen 64

Don't get me wrong. I love Kitchen 64. It's also a great place to grab a bite to eat and a drink, which you could do before the fireworks start. It also has a great parking lot in which you can watch the fireworks. But it will probably be P-A-C-K-E-D, as it always is on the weekends. You will also have to deal with the traffic afterwards, though you could just stick around and have a few more drinks until the traffic clears and you are nice and drunk for the drive home.

The Parking Lot at The Diamond

For a while, we used to just drive to The Diamond early, park in the far corner of the lot, and drink beer in the back of my truck until the show started. Most people who parked there were in the stadium so we were basically out there by ourselves, and we got a close look at the firework technicians setting everything off. It was great. But we still had to deal with the traffic and the chance of an open container violation. And I hate traffic. And jail.

The Super Secret Spots

The Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control Central Office

This place is prime real estate for watching. It is right behind The Diamond's parking lot on Hermitage Road and you can bypass the traffic thanks to easy access to the interstate and a great network of backstreets. There is just one catch -- you have to work there in some capacity. Because I imagine the security guards take it pretty seriously if you scale the fence, I'd suggest sending your resume.

The Myers Street Cul-de-sac

I love this spot. It's a little seedy, very dark and it makes you feel like you are doing something wrong. It's basically an alley thing right past West Leigh Street. Last time I went there, it was basically an impromptu street party. There were teens, adults, college kids, homeless people, seniors -- it was a great melting pot. There was even a young couple getting it on in the back of a SUV right in front of us. You stay classy, Richmond!

The Corner at Altamont and Norfolk avenues. (a.k.a. Richard's)

If you want to drink a few cool ones while you watch the works, you have three options. You can go to The Diamond (and I think you know how I feel about that), you can drink out of vehicle (which is technically illegal) or you can go to a bar, in this case a bar with strippers who will probably be out in the parking lot with you watching the show. The best part? The fireworks will drown out Bambi's rant about why she hates her father.

The Holiday Inn at 3207 N. Boulevard

Great idea -- get a room at the nearby Holiday Inn, invite friends, party hardy, go watch the fireworks from the parking lot, then continue the party. I went to one such party in college. There's plenty of parking, so no need to drunkenly drive home, and you can party like a rock star. Just don't kick a hole in the wall, set the bed on fire or urinate on the TV. Just trust me on this one.

The Rooftop of ...

I don't think so. Did you actually think I would give away all my secrets? No way, buddy.