Stephanie Brummell, editorial assistant
Ice-T from "Law and Order: SVU"
Or, "Captain Obvious" as I like to call him.
Vanessa Anne Hudgens
For making it too easy to be considered a "good" actor. I'm convinced that anyone, yes, even myself, is a better candidate for any award over this girl. Well, maybe not "best form of torture." All she has to do is open her mouth and "sing."
My Existent or Non-existent Rehab Counselor
Because if, as a celebrity, I wasn't already in rehab, I'm sure I'll be there some day. I can't resist peer pressure.
Joedy Felts, Richmond.com New Media Designer
For making it so easy for me to laugh ... at him. Oh, and for introducing me to my new "lova," Super G.
Banrock Station Wine
For making it deliciously easy and cheap to drink away my sorrows when my movies hit below the $25 million mark. Oh, woe is me!
Karri Peifer, arts and entertainment writer
My unborn children
Because if I'd already had them I wouldn't have been able to focus on my career. So thank you, hypothetical children, for not existing.
The TV show "Jericho"
For inspiring me to do better.
My boyfriend
Because he's my rock … and my bankroll.
My mumma
She's the wind beneath my wings … and, you know, the original bankroll.
Brian Dillon
I just couldn't have accomplished anything without Richmond.com's Senior New Media Designer. Plus, I'm trying to see whether or not he actually reads our site.
Josh Katz, movie reviewer
Martin Scorsese
Even if my movie has no connection whatsoever to Scorsese, I'm thanking him. No classier way to beg for work than by butt-kissing on live television, I tell ya.
My High School Physical Education Teachers
For instilling me with such loathing of the physical arts, a hatred that spurred me toward more creative pastures and is now netting me more money in a year than they'll ever see in their lives. No more public showers ever again!
God
Without whom nothing is possible. At least, that's what every basketball player who's ever accepted an MVP award has led me to believe.
L. Ron Hubbard
Because if you're gonna self-destruct, you do it big time.
All the Girls I've Loved Before
Especially the ones who dumped me, forcing me to mine my pain into fame and fortune. That could have been you sitting next to me on Oscar Night. Shame I'm "just a friend," though, huh?
David Hylton, editor
Simon Cowell
Because he's British and tells it like it is. He helps me be a better human being.
My editorial horse in the Richmond.com basement
Because everyone needs fresh glue every once in a while. Without it, my day would drag on and on.
Magic Hat
Thank you for being my beer of choice this year. Refreshing, smooth and much better than so-call "light" (or "lite") beverages.
Barack Obama
Because I like the words "hope" and "change." I'm not endorsing him (yet), but in my whole adult life I've never felt more proud to be an American. Oh wait, someone else already said that this week. Words. They're just words.
Ryan Newman
Thank you for making the Daytona 500 worth watching. It makes my life better. I would have contemplated throwing my TV out the window had Jimmie Johnson won.
Dionne Waugh, news writer
My hair stylist
Seriously. If I ever have enough money to be famous enough to win an Oscar, I would definitely have a hair stylist because I hate the time it takes to do my hair. Therefore, this person would be key in my life.
My cats
Stewie and Scoop have given me great furry love and support.
Britney Spears
Your life's fantastic downward spiral has given me daily amusement for years. Yes, I am just that heartless.
David Hylton, Richmond.com editor
For helping me write my thank you list years before I go mental and believe I've actually won an Oscar.
Christen Duxbury, editorial intern
Horace and Jasper
For steering me away from a life of puppy stealing and other petty crimes.
My pediatrician
For putting me back together all those times.
Adrian Brody
For being my date and complementing me on my dress.
Brother dearest
He gets a shout-out just to make him jealous.
Grandma and grandpa
For sharing the love.
Casey Menninger, movie reviewer
Mom & Dad
This part often gets the loudest cheers of applause throughout the night, so Mom and Dad are in. If I can muster up some tears, then all the better.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences
This is a no-brainer. It is the entire reason I am standing here, right? It is all the more surprising then that such a high number of people forget this part, but are able to find time to include their accountant and their dog in their speeches.
The Other Nominees
This is a nice touch. Julia Roberts included all the other nominees in her speech for "Erin Brockovich" and the camera cut to all of them smiling through gritted teeth in the audience. I plan to do the same thing if I can remember their names.
The Director
I suppose he helped a little bit.
Your Significant Other
This is an important person and the one that gets shafted the most. I'll admit that standing at the Oscar stage probably doesn't bring out the Einstein moment, but the significant other standing up and cheering in the audience isn't too hard to forget. That means you, Hilary Swank. She forgot to include her husband in her first Oscar speech and they broke up after her second Oscar. Go figure.
LAST TIME OUT: Things to talk about other than who's running for president.