Writing a Michael Moore movie review is kind of like going on a third date with someone you're hoping to take it to the next level with. Whatever that means. If you really want to make it work, you need to be honest, real, revealing and explain that curious cold sore.

Since Moore is such a polarizing filmmaker and personality, it's only fair for me to lay out my political beliefs in brief, even though I only intend to evaluate the free new documentary, "Slacker Uprising," on the merits of its entertainment value and filmmaking savvy.

I'm a Moore movie fan, having given positive past reviews to the likes of "SiCKO" and "Fahrenheit 911." They may not be documentaries, but they're real damn compelling.

Also, I'm a social liberal (even though I'm not voting for Obama). And that said, "Slacker Uprising" is a grossly self-indulgent flick compared to Moore's other works -- a second trip to the Golden Corral buffet when your elastic waistband already reeks of fried okra.

"Slacker Uprising" follows Moore's 62-city Bush-bashing, pro-suffrage tour leading up to the 2004 election. It weaves together snippets of him playing up to college crowds, veterans and families of killed-in-action soldiers decrying the way, and unplugged cameos from loyal lib musicians joining the pro-Kerry fray.

On SlackerUprising.com, Moore says he made his film available for free via download, burn and stream for two reasons. First, he wanted to give back to his loyal flock and commemorate the 20th anniversary of his first eye-popping documentary, "Roger & Me." And second, he wanted to deliver the same "get out and vote" message he believes almost carried John Kerry to the White House four years ago.

But after streaming "Slacker Uprising" sometime after midnight this morning when it become available, it became apparent there might have been another reason Moore didn't want his fans lining up outside theaters and shelling out $10 a pop: It's just not as good as his other works.

"Slacker Uprising" is the "Intolerable Cruelty" of the Coen brothers' otherwise stellar collection, the "Howard the Duck" of George Lucas' filmography. I miss Moore's witty narration, classic confrontations with the likes of Charlton Heston and Wal-Mart brass, and most of all, his irreverent story-telling. And here's the worst criticism I could possibly give to Moore's flick: No conservatives will be threatened. The Christian Coalition won't be picketing outside your wireless router. And the Bush family won't have to worry about pesky reporters peppering in press conference questions about Moore's movie.

Maybe Moore is a victim of his own success (As I'm a victim of my own bad clichés). The frumpy provocateur didn't set out to dial up another muckraking expose with "Slacker Uprising," but that's what we hope we'll get regardless of his intent. And it's not just Moore that's lackluster here. Even the stars fail to light up the screen. When Eddie Vedder takes the stage, he busts out a Cat Steven tribute (I know the guy was wrongly accused of being a terrorist, but seriously?!).

It doesn't help when Moore follows up with a "Harold and Maude" reference, which not a single 19-year-old has seen unless they've built a time machine in their parents' basement. And when Roseanne Barr grabs the mic, she doesn't even sing the national anthem! (By the way, don't watch this movie at 3 a.m., as a shocking Roseanne cameo can scare the hell out of you … especially when you were watching Tom Arnold on "My Big Redneck Wedding" five hours earlier on CMT.)

I've been mean, and now it's time to be nice to Moore. The guy is responsible for travelling across the country and getting Joe College to crank the lever, even if it's with one too many Ramen Noodle jokes. And it's always fun to watch some good ole Republican bashing, like this classic Moore line: "They've got God on their side and we've just got Ben Affleck. This is not a fair fight." Whammy!

All that said, "Slacker Uprising" is free. I might as well be on a third date, complaining about my second entre of equal or lesser value at Ruby Tuesdays. This isn't a fair fight, either.

"Slacker Uprising" is now playing on a computer near you -- for free -- for the next three weeks. Sign up slackeruprising.com to stream, download or a burn a DVD of the film. A cheap DVD will also be available soon at Amazon, Netflix and select stores.