Karri Peifer, arts and entertainment writer
Segway Safety Awareness Month
This zippy little standing scooter may look like a harmless mode of transportation, but it's not. I learned this the hard way when one found its way into Richmond.com's office earlier this week. I was told that stopping the Segway involved gently leaning back while riding. Sadly, I didn't get the information until after I hit some stairs … and a metal railing, a recycle bin, my knee, shin, thigh, arm and, finally, my face. My welts and bruises should be a lesson to all.
Injured Colleague Awareness Month
If one's work colleague has an incident like, say, crashing a Segway into a set of stairs, a metal railing and a recycle bin, the appropriate reaction is to ask if she's all right and then nurse her back to health. The appropriate reaction is not to laugh hysterically, try to bodily force her back onto the Segway and to then spend the rest of the week alternately poking at her softball-size bruise and asking her to cover it up because it's so gross. That is inappropriate behavior … especially when one is still walking with a limp.
Allison Janney Awareness Month
I finally watched the movie "Juno" and it, coupled with some recently re-aired episodes of "The West Wing," reminded me how fabulous Allison Janney is. Could someone please create a dramatic vehicle for her to ensure she's on television nightly? Thanks.
Bag-checkers Awareness Month
Last weekend I traveled to Boston and back. I checked my bags so that I could thwart any potential security check violations. Still, though, I had to wait in security while the guards searched through carry-ons the size of a small car; I had to wait to board the plane while these over-sized bags were smushed, crammed and stuffed into the overheard compartments; and, finally, I had to wait to get off the plane while said bags were forcibly removed. Then I had to wait at baggage claim. Shouldn't there be some reward, an express lane of sorts, for people who check bags? I certainly think so.
"Juno" Soundtrack Awareness Month
I'm obsessed with this CD.
Stephanie Brummell, staff writer
"Bah Humbug" Permanent Scrooge Awareness Month
You know those people who hate smiles, laughter, fuzzy feel-good tingles and all other forms of happiness and joy? It's time to become more aware, Richmond. Take some action and kill 'em with kindness.
Oompa Loompa Awareness Month
No, not those tiny, candy-factory employed midgets, rather, those girls who saw their thermostats rise one degree above 50 and decided to tan 18 times a day. Don't worry; Skin Cancer Awareness Month is in May. We already have your name tag filled out.
National Karma Awareness Month
Don't let Karri fool you. She simultaneously bursts into fits of laughter while pointing at me every time I fall on the stairs. Servers her right, and chances are you have one in your office too.
Non-Merging Selfish Drivers Awareness Month
When you see a "Merge Left/Right" sign, DO IT. When you drive down that certain part of the highway daily, and you know the merge is coming, do not speed up to cut someone off. You're evil and deserve to never drive again.
National Naptime Awareness MonthWho made the assumption that only kindergarteners need a nap half way through the day? That's just discriminatory.
David Hylton, editor
National Left Lane Is For Faster Drivers Awareness Month
Whatever month this would be held, the next month would be National Right Lane Is For Slower Drivers Awareness Month. That would quickly be followed by Learn How To Drive Through the E-ZPass Lane Awareness Month.
Primary Awareness Month
Held every four years, this month would be set aside for presidential primaries to all be held within a month's time. Except in Michigan and Florida, of course.
National Take A Month Off And Follow Dave Matthews Band On Tour Month
Ah ... if only it were 1998 again.
Pollen Awareness Month
I need some additional education on why it's a good thing my road every morning looks like a fresh coat of yellow snow. And someone needs to convince me that Mother Nature and Claritin don't have a secret contract. (Did you know that May is actually Allergy Awareness Month?)
Bikers Need To Follow The Rules As Well Awareness Month
Sure, I like to bike, but to that person I almost hit the other day when my light was green, I feel no need to apologize.
Dionne Waugh, news writer
Stupidity Awareness
It's rather self-explanatory, and if it's not, then you just further my cause.
Bev's Ice Cream Awareness
Hands down, the best ice cream ever. From strawberry-banana smoothies to oreo ice cream on a sugar cone to homemade chocolate cake and brownies, this place is rife with unhealthy goodness. And if you've lived in Richmond longer than a month and have never been to this place on W. Cary Street, shame on you.
Journalists Awareness
We work hard for the people to give them the most accurate information possible with which to make the best decisions in life. And what do we get for it? Nothing but complaints, disrespect and low pay. You're welcome anyway.
National Turn Signal Month
Because apparently people feel they no longer need to let the people around them know when they're going to move a two-ton vehicle traveling at 60-plus miles per hour.
Soccer Awareness
The Brits got it right. Soccer really is the best sport in the world (with hockey a close second). If Americans think football is so dang hard, why don't they take off all that padding and try using their feet? Now that takes talent.
Josh Katz, movie reviewer
Relay for Exact Change Payers at the Supermarket Checkout Line
Please, give generously of your time at 6 p.m. in a crowded store to help them "get rid" of their spare pennies on four Roma tomatoes.
In Support of Pretentious Coffee House "Intellectuals" Month
With your help, we can teach a whole new generation of all-black-wearing pseudo-intellectuals to speak on Marshall McLuhan and Sartre without actually reading them.
Recognition Month for Elderly Drivers
A salute to our aged lions of the road, the mavericks who fall asleep behind the wheel during gridlock, or make the fabled "left turn from the right-hand lane" on their way to the Pepperidge Farm Thrift Store.
Soccer Mom Appreciation Month
Because if they can't almost hit you running a red light while talking on their cell phones and screaming at the kids to settle down on the way to soccer practice, then the terrorists have won.
Comcast Celebration Ceremony
Comcast owns pretty much everything else. Buying a self-congratulatory ceremony is not out of the question.
Casey Menninger, movie reviewer
Cheaters Awareness Month
The academic cheaters are out in full force in time for finals using mind-boggling methods to get a passing grade. Most people call them rebels or criminals, but I prefer to call them visionaries who consistently think outside the box. To all the misunderstood IQ-challenged cheaters out there and the mean parents who drove them to it, go do your thing.
Personal Hygiene Awareness Month
Brushing your teeth and showering before work is not optional. That goes double for washing your hands in the restroom. Your co-workers will thank you.
The TV Shows Are New & The Strike Is Over Awareness Month
Isn't life perfect again? TV is alive and well. I don't even care that the actors are planning on taking a walk this summer. That's a whole two months from now.
Spot a Pervert Awareness Month
It is socially urgent and can be used as a fun drinking game.
Rude Double Parkers Awareness Month
I'm sorry - did you mistake that spot in the middle of the road for a parking space? Yes, please do put on your blinkers and hold up traffic for four blocks during rush hour every single day. I'm sure most of the people screaming obscenities and flipping their fingers as they pass you are communing with the birds. This is the month where citizen's arrests are encouraged. We're doing it for your own good.
Read more of our Top Five lists
w April 11: Things heard at a gas pump
w April 4: Things on our mind
w March 28: Signs of spring
w March 21: Things in our Easter Basket
w March 14: Things at the end of a rainbow