Halloween, like goodness, happiness and truth, is largely canceled this year, which I can only describe as a full-to-bursting septic tank that has been emptied in your living room, filled again with flesh-eating scorpions and then dumped into your mouth while you're asleep.
But that doesn't mean we can't still have a little fun, right? Candy, the great equalizer, remains a comfort to all, even during the darkest timeline. And while the youngsters won't be trick-or-treating nearly as much this year (except possibly in Florida), there's no reason why you can't have a depressing neighborhood-wide Zoom call where the kids show off their costumes and then parents all Venmo each other money to safely buy candy from Walgreens.
It's in that spirit that I present to you the totally unassailable, airtight and indisputable L.A. Times Halloween Candy Power Rankings. I've ranked candy before and I'll likely do it again, but for this particular piece I'm changing up the metrics a bit: First, I'm judging by taste as well as what I'm calling Spirit of Halloween (SOH) — how much does the candy capture the je ne sais quoi of the season? Second, I'm judging by Halloween Trade Value (HTV): Everyone knows that a big part of trick-or-treating is swapping candy with your friends and siblings when the evening is over. Certain pieces are worth more than others.
Happy Halloween, friends, and eat up: If you think 2021 is going to be any better, I have a bridge to sell you!