Virginia’s General Assembly commences its 2014 session in a less than two weeks. Lawmakers will attend to the budget, ethics reform, mental health and a few other high-profile items. But they also will sift through another 2,500 bills, give or take, covering everything from casino gambling to resolutions commending local sports teams.
Unfortunately, without firm guidance they are likely to leave some of the issues of greatest concern to ordinary Virginians untouched. To provide that guidance, therefore, here is a list of legislation the Assembly should not dare to adjourn without passing:
The Truth in Budgeting Act: Forbids anyone to describe a measure as a “spending cut” if it merely reduces the projected future growth of spending instead of producing actual year-over-year reductions in appropriations.
2014 Amendments to the Truth in Budgeting Act: Forbids proponents of a measure to claim it actually saves money by forestalling theoretical expenditures elsewhere sometime in the undefined future (Example: “Increased state spending on prenatal screening will actually save money by reducing future spending on prisons”). Requires that, if the measure passes and aggregate spending rises the following decade, any supporter of the measure who made the saves-money claim must pay the difference out of his or her own pocket.
The Grocery-Cart Quality Act: Requires retail outlets that provide shopping carts to ensure each cart has four good wheels and no “flat tires” or damaged casters that cause the cart to rattle and wobble. Upon first violation, a warning shall be issued. Upon second violation, the store manager shall be placed in a giant paint-can shaker.
The Courteous Automotive Response (CAR) Act: Requires that, in any circumstance in which Motorist A slows down to permit Motorist B to change lanes or merge into traffic, Motorist B shall offer a “thank-you wave” to Motorist A not more than three (3) seconds after completion of said lane change or merge. The bill further stipulates that, in the event no thank-you wave is forthcoming, Motorist A may ram Motorist B’s vehicle repeatedly until it swerves off the road.
The Start-Writing-Your-Check-Before-You-Get-to-the-Cashier-Dammit Act: Stipulates that individuals who wait until the cashier has rung up their purchases before producing a checkbook and hunting around for a pen must forfeit their purchases, exit the store, re-enter and start all over. Includes a legislative finding that people who act as if they don’t know they have to pay until they are presented with the bill probably shouldn’t be allowed to have money anyway.
The Climate Change Act of 2014: Makes it against the law for the temperature in the Commonwealth of Virginia to dip below 40 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s just not allowed, that’s all.
The 2014 Amendments to the Climate Change Act of 2014: Adds a provision stipulating that the temperature also is not allowed to rise above 85. Same deal.
The English Language Integrity Act: Makes it a class 6 felony to do any of the following: (1) use the word “iconic” when what is meant is that something is “familiar”; (2) use the word “literally” to describe something figurative (“I was so mad my head literally exploded”); (3) use “as far as” when “as for” is needed (“as far as Miley Cyrus, I think she’s a tramp”); (4) advertise a product as “free” if the consumer must purchase another product to get it. Reference to a product as a “free gift” shall bring a minimum sentence of five years.
The Sandwich Freedom Act: Directs all restaurants, delis and lunch counters to post the following notice in full view of the patrons: “NOTHING IN THE CODE OF VIRGINIA REQUIRES THIS ESTABLISHMENT TO PROVIDE A SLICE OF PICKLE WITH EACH SANDWICH.” Includes a legislative finding that the overwhelming majority of prepared-food vendors are operating under a different impression.
The No-Blowing-and-Peeking Act: Requires that any individual who, having blown his or her nose in public, then opens the tissue to find out what he or she came up with shall be guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor, punishable by the wearing of a red clown nose and dark socks with sandals for not less than three (3) weeks.
