There’s no way to escape them. They’re everywhere you turn.
Try as you might, there they are, one after another, over and over again.
No, not the leftover Halloween candy throughout the house (good luck avoiding that). It’s the non-stop political advertisements on your television.
It doesn’t matter what game, what sport, what TV show or cable channel — they’re everywhere.
One after another, with promises of, “What I will do if I’m elected,” or, “How I will fight for you,” which is followed by 30 seconds of, “My opponent is the worst person in the world who voted for this bill 20 years ago, and did I mention they will raise taxes and they don’t like small puppies! Who doesn’t like small puppies? My opponent doesn’t!”
These political ads make Flo from Progressive a welcome sound.
However, this got me to thinking: What if there was an office for President of Sports in the United States?
What would my commercial sound like? What promises would I make?
Possibly something like this:
My fellow American sports fans, each year you pour your heart, your money and your time into your team and your favorite sports. But does anyone ever listen to you? Do you feel like your complaints and cries are unheard, and that no one is looking out for you, the little fan?
Well, I’m listening.
Sure, I come from the media that doesn’t pay for a ticket at games, and usually complains about free catered food in the press room, but I’m here for you in your time of need.
If elected to the office of President of Sports in the United States, I vow to make changes.
No longer will you have to wait until 9 p.m. for the NCAA basketball championship game on a Monday night, as I will move it to 8 p.m., along with shifting the College Football Playoff championship game to a Thursday night, which will happen after expanding the field to 8 schools and scheduling all semifinal games to be forever on New Years’ Day.
It is my solemn vow to move the Super Bowl to a Saturday night. No longer will America have to use sick days to recover from overdoing it on the final day of football. I know we all aren’t 21 anymore, and don’t exactly bounce back like we did in our younger years.
Given the opportunity to serve you, I will work with all human resources departments throughout the country to provide the luxury of one personal sports vacation day. This day will provide you with a day off, excuse free, to watch the first day of March Madness, baseball’s opening day, or to take in a ball game on a weekday and be paid for it.
Should you elect me, one of my first acts will be to enact the “Arthur Blank Concession Food Amendment,” where, like Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium, all food and drink prices will be made more affordable for families. Why is it only one professional sports team offers $1.50 hot dogs and $2.50 chips and salsa? No hot dog at an American sporting event will be priced at more than $2 when I’m President.
There are rules that need to be revisited. There need to be two different categories of targeting in college football. One, with intent, that is punished by ejection but another, incidental contact, that is a 15-yard penalty, but the player isn’t tossed out of a game.
There needs to be a pitch clock in baseball that is enforced, and there also needs to be another in soccer to tell us exactly how many minutes and seconds there are in extra time.
I’d introduce a new fantasy football stat called “Interceptions Caused by Receiver” that would not subtract points from a quarterback if his target bobbles or tips a turnover.
Last, but not least, let’s remember the children. Our next generation deserves better, so for them I propose that every Major League Baseball stadium sets aside sections of seats in the upper deck for every weekday game where parents can bring children 12 and under for free.
Sure, these billionaire owners will scoff at my idea, but to them I say, “Would you rather have parents buy a ticket to bring their kids, who will eat at the concession stand, or would you prefer that massive section of empty seats that I see most Tuesday and Wednesday nights when I turn on an MLB game?”
Will my opponent do that? No, because he likes expensive front row seats, drinks $11 beers and supports 9 p.m. East Coast starts — and did I mention he despises puppies?